Nonfat Venting With Whip

Forget Comfort Zone; play in your Uncomfortable Zone.

2010-03-05T23:13:00.012-06:00

I'm a mom, nurse, technically "middle aged" woman and Michael Gellman is teaching me Improvisational Comedy at Second City, Chicago. Pinch me. Make it hurt.

As I told Godman at last week's class, Improv has been "the most fun I've had in my adult life." His quick response: 'The most fun in your adult life? ... Are you dating??' I replied, "No, I'm married."

These classes are a gift, really. I started "Improv for Beginners" at Second City last year. For fun. Because my life was in crisis and something made me Google "Second City + classes." Boxed wine made me sign up. The fun I had with Improv made me sign up for Standup. Standup pushed me past fear, through terror and into strength. Possibly delusion. Hot holy Hell, y'all -- Whippy did five minutes in front of 70+ people. And got laughs. Suck it, shyness.

Michael Gellman reminds me of my Dad, but with extra cussing. Humorous bordering on brilliantly hilarious, intuitive bordering on uncanny, foul-mouthed bordering on Carlin. Is this Heaven?

Wait. What? I signed up for what?? I'm not a theater major, as most of my classmates are. Hell, I have two degrees (Journalism and Nursing) and barely use either. I'm a mostly stay-at-home Mom who subs as a School Nurse when I feel like it. I'm shy by nature, have no idea what 'real acting' is, and never set foot on a stage before this (except as a Dogpatcher in a riveting Middle School production of "Li'l Abner"). I don't know how far I can go with this, but that's not the point.

What I know that Improv has changed my life. It pushed me out of my comfort zone. It taught me to be in the moment. It made me trust my sense of humor (yes, I do have one and yes, it's awesome).

I've made many great acquaintances and one cherished friend. I've laughed harder and more often than I have in many, many years.

Why is that? In Improv, there is no judgement, no saying "No." The mantra is "Say 'Yes' and the fun will follow." Yes to everything. Accept, agree, trust, release, surrender. On stage, it works. It works better than saying no, or contradicting, or negating. It moves the scene forward. It creates a positive vibe felt not only by the players but also the audience. Negativity and criticism kills. It's "death by a thousand cuts," in my experienced opinion. In Improv and Life.

It's about relinquishing the need to control, to micromanage, to keep the focus on yourself. Fuck that shit. Focus on your partner. Focus on what's happening RIGHT NOW. What is your partner SAYING? What are they DOING? What is your RELATIONSHIP?

Yes, it's Improvisational Theater. It's also Life. Stop the Movie In Your Head. Look at who you're communicating with. Listen to them. Watch their body language. Appreciate how they are different from you. Appreciate them.

Appreciate who you are. Be aware of how you move through space. Listen to your voice as you speak. Look at yourself in the mirror. Be aware of what you're feeling at this moment.

Now live.

Screencleaner

2010-02-19T13:48:00.000-06:00

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http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Shut up and play golf.

2010-02-19T13:08:00.006-06:00

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A craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.
--Tiger Woods.

And by "things outside ourselves," he means "ladies with big boobies."

When God Closes a Door...He's being a real jerk.

2010-02-17T09:49:00.011-06:00

Ok, so in the movie in her head, Whippy fancies herself a Funny Person. Yes, it's an epic film with lots of plots; subplots; an awesome protagonist; one or two antagonists; a tragic flaw or two or seven; even a Christ Figure. Who drinks boxed wine and moonwalks on water.

I've been taking comedy improvisation classes for over a year and having the most fun I've had in my adult life. Some of my buddies and I auditioned for something awesome and none of us got it. We were told, 'Hey, even Tina Fey didn't make it her first time around.' 'Hey, most people don't.' 'Hey, take another class and try again in eight weeks.' 'Hey, yadda yadda.' It was absolutely a positive albeit slightly humbling experience. Not to mention an amazing teaching opportunity for Whippy's little Whiplets.

Buddy Boy and GirlyGirl watched Mom's facial expression and sensed every emotion as I read the "We're Sorry But..." EMail. I'm a horrible liar and even worse at faking emotion. It's served me well. Except for that time my brother and I stole loose change out of our Mom's purse to buy candy at 7-11. Ok, it stopped me from pursuing a violent life of crime to feed my Wacky Pack and Slim Jim habit; I should be grateful. Thank you, Jesus (great Michael Jackson impersonation, btw. Can I fix you a Bloody Mary?). OH!! brb, I gotta dodge lightning bolts...

Woah. Where was I? Right. Teaching moment. So, I explained to the Whipplets, "Hey, ya know what? I'm happy. Because I tried something I was afraid to do, I learned a ton and I had a blast! And ya know what else? I'm going to try again!"

Later that night, GirlyGirl gave me this:

Ok, so I had to pry the window open and remove the frame to get my rumpus through, but at least I was able to spot the opening. With a little nudge from GirlyGirl. Thanks, God (hey, your son's an awesome bartender, btw. Can you ask him to lay his hands on the office water cooler?)
*runs serpentine to avoid lightning storm*

I'm Thinking Clogs...

2010-02-13T16:09:00.006-06:00

Whippy's been going through a bit of a rough patch, lately. And by "rough patch," I mean "excuse me while I lobotomize myself with a Crazy Straw." You're welcome for sparing you the details; suffice it to say, life has been more fun than a barrel full of dead babies. And by "more," I mean "hella less." Let's just say life is full of crazy f*ckers who sometimes ooze into your life and won't leave until they think they've made you as miserable as they are. Just...WOW.

I'm a pick-myself-up-by-the-bootstraps kinda gal; I hate whining and inaction. In fact, I can usually think, plan and work myself out of most mucky situations.

One of my boots may have fallen off in the muck. They were old boots, just about worn through. I wore 'em every day, even though they always hurt and made me walk kinda funny. I'm tempted to just slip my foot out of the other boot. Pretty sure it'd be easier to get out of the muck with 'em both off. And really, what's the point of holding on to one boot?

When Chakka Comes Marching Home

2010-02-06T10:48:00.009-06:00

GirlyGirl is 10 and loves to sing. She sings all day long. She delights in turning our morning getting-ready-for-school routine into a musical. "Motherrrr...can I have some breakfast please...Oh, nooooooo!! This milk is sour-what-will-I-dooooo..." She's a wonderkind.

Her chorus teacher exposes them to all kinds of stuff, which GG then exposes us to. For days. Lots. of. days. Do you know the complete lyrics to Benny Goodman's "Sing! Sing! Sing!"? I do. Oh, I DO.

When I'm feeling down and blue, I flash to the visual of GG standing on the arm of our good leather sofa, shimmying like a fiend, belting, "Sing, sing, sing, sing...everybody start to sing...Hi-dee-hi, ho-dee-ho, now you're singin' to and fro..." *shimmy-shimmy-shimmy*

This week's musical theme? Civil War songs. Not quite the feel-good raucousness of Big Band, but still. But still -- PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY SHOOT ME IN THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT WILL MAKE ME FORGET THIS:

GG: When Chaka comes marching home again, hurrah HURRAH! hurrah HURRAH!
When Chaka comes marching home again, hurrah! HURRAH! hurrah! HURRAH!!
The men will cheer and the boys will shout
The ladies they will all turn out
And we'll all kill dinosaurs
When Chaka comes marching home... hahahaha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9G-BjHRa0k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xx_E7dIxywY&feature=PlayList&p=1BFF38735F4535BD&index=8

Li'l Ro Ro and Joliet

2010-02-03T08:41:00.007-06:00

So, this morning I'm helping BuddyBoy study for his "Illinois Constitution" test. Not only does he insist on pronouncing Illinois with a hard "s" at the end, but he keeps saying "Juliet," instead of Joliet. Uh-oh. That's like tossing a ball in front of my dog. Or distracting a raccoon with a shiny object.

ME: Joliet is Juliet's street name. hahaha

BRAD: What?

ME: Li'l Ro Ro and Joliet! hahaha

BRAD: What??

ME: Yeah, instead of "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" it's "RoRo! WHERE YOU AT??" hahaha

BRAD: Mom.

ME: And instead of the Montagues and the Capulets, it's the Montys and the Fat Caps! Instead of drawing swords, they have a dance-off! hahaha

BRAD: *rolls eyes*

ME: And "Were that I a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek" is "Don't MAKE me smack you with my glove..." hahaha

BRAD: Can I have breakfast now?

Holy Crap.

2010-01-28T02:13:00.003-06:00

You heard me. HOLY CRAP. My "Summer Hiatus" morphed into an endless creativity time-suck.

But I'm back, baby! For starters, I just now joined Twitter. Ok, I joined a year ago. I just now started Tweeting. That's right -- I'm officially a Twat.

Please to enjoy the link to my Twat, er -- Twitter account -- over there somewhere. --->

Now I have to go lie down. All this writing has made me tahred. And parched. Someone please fetch me my mint julep...

Coincidence? I think not. Actually, I have no idea...

2009-07-03T12:00:00.004-05:00

What, exactly, is a coincidence? A random, totally meaningless occurrence? Or something more.

Last month, my son brought home his completed pastel still life (first image) from art class.

The next day, we flew to San Diego for our family vacation. We walked into the lobby of our hotel and were greeted by an amazing display of oversized vases (image two).

Look eerily similar? Yeah, we thought so too, and snapped a picture.

But what does it MEAN? Anything? My Grandmother was an artist. She died last year. I'd like to think it's a little "Hello" from her. I'd really like to think that. I mean, it's not like my son and I saw the display and said, 'Huh, looks like the pastel' and kept on walking. We were speechless for a few seconds. And had this FEELING. Goosebumps. Then, Brad said, "Woah..."

I'm not a Heaven-or-Hell believer. I'm pretty sure I'll lose a few readers by saying this: I believe the Good Book is exactly that -- a good book. But neither do I share my husband's belief that, "We're all just carbon-based life forms and when we die, we're dead."

I think that as a culture, we've stopped paying attention to things happening around us ("coincidences") that might be significant. Native Americans relied on nature and dream interpretation as a way of understanding the universe and navigating their life "path." They paid attention, listened, observed, interpreted.

I'm going to try to pay more attention.

I want me a toddler.

2009-07-03T08:03:00.003-05:00

Whippy is on a little Summer Hiatus. I'll be posting, but not as often.

I have a deep, thought-provoking essay in the works...stay tuned!!

In the mean time, please to enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcVllWpwGs

Hey, Fellas!

2009-06-24T07:20:00.003-05:00

If you like a gal, but aren't sure how to tell her, send her THIS.

RIP, Koko Taylor

2009-06-04T10:09:00.009-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkyklIiHdlQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajEaxCS3iB4&feature=related

Electricity Bill

2009-05-24T07:50:00.019-05:00

(click image to enlarge)

So, I find this flyer stuck in my front door. "ELECTRICITY BILL." Ok, fine. I'll read you. Wait, huh? Really, ComEd (or "F.E.D.314GOLBALNET")? Really? $3,234?? What, for the year?? Don't think so.

And telling me to turn off "unwanted electricity such as Computers, telivition, etc." ??? Ok, so it's some kind of "Go Green" group? And they're retard-
Wups. Can't say that anymore.
Um...And they're really fond of pudding?

And what's with the graph? Seriously?? I show it to huzzband. And hear my children trying to stifle hysterical laughter. Whaaaaaaaaat? Slowly I turn...

Buddy Boy and Girlie Girl are high-fiving each other and jumping up and down. They made the flyer. GG wrote the "text" and BB found the graph. It's a seismograph. Of volcanic activity.

I like pudding.

Girly Girl's Field Trip

2009-05-21T13:11:00.020-05:00

Her 4th grade class spent the day at Veterans Acres, an amazing nature preserve about five minutes from where we live (we are so lucky). GG asked if she could bring the camera and how could I say no?

Chocolate Cheese Monkeys II: One Nation, Under Yeti.

2009-05-18T17:37:00.004-05:00

And on the first day, God created chocolate cheese monkeys.

2009-05-16T21:26:00.003-05:00

Please to accept my apologies...

2009-05-15T18:38:00.005-05:00

To the person from Bretagne, France, who earnestly Googled "Marie Antoinette" today and stumbled upon this:

I sowwy.
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Can't. stop. laughing...UPDATED POST

2009-05-15T08:51:00.003-05:00

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Play him off, keyboard cat...

5/15 UPDATE: So I couldn't WAIT to show this to the kids/huzzband, right? Oh, how they'd laugh and laugh and high-five me... I gathered them 'round the laptop, pressed "play" and their reaction went something like this:

*crickets*

BRAD, BROOKE, HUZZBAND: *blank stares, though Brad's grinning a little; huzzband's shaking head and walking away*...

ME: Oh, COME ON!!! It's FUNNY!!!!! It's WALKER TEXAS RANGER! And little Haley Joel Osmet...and he has AIDS...and...and....PLAY ME OUT CAT!!!!.... *starts playing other KC clips, certain that, IN CONTEXT, family will surely get it*

HUSBAND: *shouting* YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE! I'M NOT KIDDING!!

DAUGHTER: *also shouting* YEAH, MOM!

SON: *giggling* Can I see the 'grape-stomping lady' one again?

JOKE OF THE DAY:
The quickest way to a man's heart
is through Chuck Norris' fist.
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When Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake," she probably didn't mean this.

2009-05-10T19:18:00.019-05:00

Mother's Day.
My family surprised me with a dark chocolate cake from COSTCO. It's the size of a baby elephant.

This "piece" served four.

My delightful children double-dog dared me to, "SHOVE YOUR FACE IN IT!!"

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille...

Ever the chivalrous DoggyBoyfriend, Potter offers to help me clean up.

Whippy hopes everyone had a wonderful weekend.
Carpe cake.
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Suck it, Hallmark.

2009-05-10T08:45:00.004-05:00

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My son made this on our computer.y.
(click to enlarge)

Still Life With Roses and DoggyBoyfriend

2009-05-09T17:00:00.006-05:00

My beautiful friend, David, gave me these beautiful roses for Mother's Day. My DoggyBoyfriend was happy to pose with
them.

Sort of.
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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

2009-05-08T09:05:00.004-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU

Guess which one's my favorite?

2009-05-06T09:01:00.005-05:00

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This month's Key Word Searches that landed people on my blog:


5	6.58%	"Bite My Cookie"
3	3.95%	"bite my cookie" blog
3	3.95%	bitemycookie
2	2.63%	bite my cookie lost
1	1.32%	my dogs crap ninja hauler
1	1.32%	baby moose picture st ignace
1	1.32%	bite my cookie breakdown
1	1.32%	nonfat venting
1	1.32%	crazy lady with 8 babies
1	1.32%	leno with eight babies
1	1.32%	nonfat blog whip
1	1.32%	nonfat blog
1	1.32%	mofochronicles
1	1.32%	"bite my cookie" crazy
1	1.32%	big boobies blog
1	1.32%	Payback's a Bitch mofo
1	1.32%	bossy delilah
1	1.32%	i thank you god for most this amazing free verse

I am totally starting a garage band and calling it Crap Ninja Hauler.
Or, My Dog's Crap.
Or, Dogs Crap Ninja. DING!
Dogs Crap Nina's first single? "Bite My Cookie Breakdown." Featuring Steve Martin on banjo. And Rachel Ray on mouth harp. Cuz, you know she'd rock that thing...

To the person who consulted the Googlenets in search of "big boobies blog": I sowwy.

Oh. My favorite keyword search? Ironically, it's also the name of Dogs Crap Ninja's second single, featuring Ciara: "Payback's a Bitch mofo."
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It's Box Office GOLD, I Tell Ya!

2009-05-05T09:29:00.007-05:00

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My daughter's in 4th grade and frequently comes home from school with colorful stories about the playground bullies. As Brooke describes it, these boys follow the girls around, singing songs about "lesbians," "manginas" and "you know, ladies who have penises." Right.

So, at dinner last night, we were talking about it and what might be the best way to deal with the situation. My 6th grade son, who has always been his sister's biggest fan and fiercest protector, earnestly offers this suggestion:

BRAD: You know, Brooke -- just make it like that movie Dad was watching last night...'Book Club.'

MOM & DAD: Huh?

BRAD: Yeah, you know -- 'Book Club!' "The first rule of Book Club is don't talk about Book Club."

MOM: *leaving table, because she just peed a little*

Ok, so when Edward Norton makes that sequel, Brad Pitt's character is totally gonna be played by Oprah.

World Peace and Big Boobies

2009-05-03T10:13:00.014-05:00

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Miss California's Breast Implants Funded by Pageant: CONFIRMED

Thank you, Miss California Pageant and Bag of Rocks Barbie.
For sending this disempowering AND homophobic message to our sons and daughters: "I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. And that woman should have giant, grapefruit-halves-bolted-on-a-bony-torso titties."
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Flashdance Monkey

2009-05-01T13:24:00.003-05:00

Words I've learned from my kids...

2009-05-01T12:59:00.006-05:00

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Pwned. As in, "I totally pwned you!"
It's like "Owned!" with a P. You know, like this.

Beast. As in, "Mom, your potato salad is BEAST!" Which my son actually said to me last night. I was all, 'Whaaaaat?' and he said, "You know, wicked-awesome!"
I did not know Buddy Boy was from Boston.
.http://nonfatventing.blogspot.com/2008/12/blog-post_12.html

Young Jedi LEGO Master

2009-04-30T17:15:00.004-05:00

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Instead of getting ready for bed last night, Buddy Boy sat down on the floor of his room and made this:

I hope he uses his powers for good and not evil.
Instead of working for the Department of Defense, he could be the next Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, and build the woman who gave him life the modern dwelling of her dreams.

This boy makes my heart 'splode.
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whew

2009-04-29T09:13:00.002-05:00

My 9 year old daughter had a nightmare last night. She came into our room and woke me up:

GIRLY GIRL: *crying* Mom, I had a bad dream...

ME: *scooting over so GG could climb in bed* Oh, honey - what was it about?

GG: *sniffles* Dad and I were being chased by a scary witch man-woman.

ME: Uh...was it me? *makes mental note to call child psychologist in the morning* What did it look like?

GG: Like Mario Lopez.
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Once again, I couldn't have said it better myself:

2009-04-26T16:29:00.002-05:00

Thank you, Steve Marmel:

Oh, I'm sorry, Texas governor whatcherface. Didn't you want your state to secede? Now you need federal help?

What a difference a couple of week makes.

(Did I say I don't need a federal government? I'm sorry. I uh... hey, look over there! A pony!)

Less than two weeks after raising the prospect of seceding from the union, Texas Gov. Rick Perry is calling on the federal government to come to his state's aid in the midst of the swine flu outbreak.

The San Marcos Record reports:
Gov. Rick Perry today in a precautionary measure requested the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provide 37,430 courses of antiviral medications from the Strategic National Stockpile to Texas to prevent the spread of swine flu.

"As a precautionary measure, I have requested that medication be on hand in Texas to help curb the spread of swine flu by helping those with both confirmed and suspected cases of this swine flu virus, as well as healthcare providers who may have come in contact with these patients," said Gov. Rick Perry. "We will continue to work with our local, state and federal health officials to ensure public safety is protected."

Back on April 15, Perry was taking a rather different stance towards the federal government:

"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we're a pretty independent lot to boot."

He said when Texas entered the union in 1845 it was with the understanding it could pull out. However, according to the Texas State Library and Archives Commission, Texas negotiated the power to divide into four additional states at some point if it wanted to but not the right to secede.

Okay, so... first:

Texas should be given whatever it needs to protect itself from this thing.

The people of Texas shouldn't be punished because their governor is a snakeskin bootlicker.

That being said, what a joy it is to see someone have to eat crow so swiftly after being a pandering asshat. It was during the tea party stuff, where some Republicans were doing and saying anything they could to make it seem like they too, were trying to throw off the shackles of our DULY ELECTED PRESIDENT, SO WALK IT OFF YOU SILLY CRYBABIES.

Keep in mind, this is one of the same governors that told Obama to keep his stimulus money, you know, because he blah blah blah pander to the base yadda yadda yee-haw.

And now, here we are today.

So yes, give this fool whatever he needs to protect the people of his state.

It's not their fault he's a ten-gallon moron.

But it's true: They do everything bigger in Texas.

And that includes hypocrisy.

Ok, let's all settle down...

2009-04-26T14:54:00.003-05:00

No, you can't get Swine Flu from eating a BLT:
http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/key_facts.htm

Which is nice, because bacon tastes guuuuud...
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R.I.P. Bea Arthur.

2009-04-25T15:57:00.004-05:00

Freaky Food

2009-04-22T09:33:00.002-05:00

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The grossest, coolest thing EVER.
I'm so totally doing it.
http://www.boingboing.net/2009/04/21/freaky-food-fun-inse.html
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Poetry week continues...

2009-04-21T10:00:00.006-05:00

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Buddy Boy's learning about various poetry styles. Previous works include FREE VERSE and METAPHOR. Today, he turned in this:

Sir Thomas Crapper ate a burrito
When he pooped in the bucket, it wasn't so neat-o
Bowl, pipes and a handle
When my dad goes, my mom lights a candle.

He "illustrates" it later this week.
The mind boggles...
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2009-04-19T12:00:00.003-05:00

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NOM gets PWNED!
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Lavender Bunnies: The Trilogy

2009-04-17T08:55:00.006-05:00

Lavender Bunnies

Lavender Bunnies II: The Reckoning

Epilogue

Poetry week continues for Buddy Boy.

2009-04-16T08:28:00.005-05:00

Last night's homework assignment: metaphor

Life

Life is a treasure box

Whatever you pull out changes your future

Pull out some Lincoln Logs,

Most likely you're going to be an architect

(Lincoln Logs, Q-Tips...)

Every little thing she does is magic.

2009-04-15T17:03:00.003-05:00

Today is Girly Girl's 10th birthday. Her only wish? "To go to Kyoto." It's like Benihana, the delicious Japanese restaurant where they create culinary magic with flying cutlery.

So, this morning we're driving to school, listening to "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police.

Girly Girl says, "Oh, this is awesome!! It's my birthday and they're playing the Kyoto commercial!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5W2Vr6HU7s
(Skip ahead to the 3:00 mark on the video).

Happy Birthday, Brooke. We Love you.

Have you met my son, e.e. cummings?

2009-04-14T08:22:00.009-05:00

Buddy Boy, 11, started a Poetry Unit in school this week. Last night he had to write something in "free verse."

This was the first part of the assignment:
Think about things you are interested in, what you are happy or sad about, an impression or a story. List your thoughts about the subject.

Buddy Boy wrote this:
chockolate, Legos, Christmas

Then, he wrote this:

Chicken Wings

sweet

tangy

chicken wings

barbicu sause

Main highlight of life

Chicken wings

And this:

Chocolate

I ate

The chocolate

The delicious chocolate

The white chocolate

So delicious and creamy

Its deluxe superbness

I can't stop eating

It is gone

The chocolate is gone

I must have more

But the chocolate is gone

I asked Buddy Boy why he decided to write about um...chicken wings and chocolate?
Girly Girl, 9, shouted from the other room, "It's because he's in PUBERTY!!"
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Lavender Bunnies, part deux!!

2009-04-14T07:54:00.006-05:00

I'm terribly curious about the "nut thing" and posted my query last night on Facecrack. My soul monkeh, David, just sent me this from the Wikipedia:

Breeding two rabbits both with the dwarf gene may result in peanuts. Peanuts are very small and deformed baby rabbits that will be born with a very large head, almost no ears and their back legs often crossed. Peanuts usually live for a few days but sometimes will last a couple of weeks.

So, after the dry heaving stopped, I asked my kids at breakfast this morning what we should do? Leave the nest alone? Investigate said "nut thing" further?

GIRLY GIRL: *deadpanning* Keep it alive and sell it for $1,000 on Ebay.

MOM: *blink-blink*

GIRLY GIRL: No, really. Shannon's Dad bought some shoes on EBay? And inside was a mouse with one ear. *calmly goes back to eating Honey Nut Cheerios*

MOM: *runs in circles screaming and passes out*
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Lavender Bunnies!

2009-04-12T10:55:00.011-05:00

Yesterday, I saw some white fur around my large lavender plant in the garden. Fearing something gruesome, I cautiously parted the lavender fronds...and found this:

Please to excuse the embarrassingly awful video quality. I was so excited, I kinda forgot to pay attention to the camera. Ya think?? I won't give up my day job.

It's all I can do to not run back out there and shoot more footage; however, I live in fear of pissing off Mamma bunny. Cuz she probably knows Herman and he could totally kick my ass.
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Have a big, fat, Happy Easter!

2009-04-11T20:02:00.002-05:00

Happy Easter!

2009-04-10T12:40:00.004-05:00

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Easter Eggs

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"Be in tune with your star f*ckin' player."

2009-04-10T08:03:00.009-05:00

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Dear Uncle Jesus up in Heaven,
Thank you for Katt Williams.
Amen.
Poor Little Tink Tink
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Welcome to my new FLOG.

2009-04-07T21:10:00.003-05:00

(Favorite Blog, get it?)

Please to enjoy:
CRAFTASTROPHE

(warning: You might pee a little.)
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Head. exploding.

2009-04-07T13:23:00.002-05:00

Too. much. cuteness.
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I want this.

2009-04-05T12:51:00.007-05:00

and this:

and everything here: www.donaldrollerwilson.com
.

Bring on the manure!!

2009-04-04T10:35:00.016-05:00

UPDATE: A friend sent me THIS LINK and I am so totally going to try it!!

Raised beds rock.

Can't wait for my herb garden to get going!

OMG, what a fabulous idea!!

Have you met my daughter, Henny Youngman?

2009-04-02T12:35:00.007-05:00

She's been making up her own jokes lately.

GIRLY GIRL: What did the beaver say when he ran into the wall?"

MOM: I dunno, what?

GG: DAM! *cracks herself up*

MOM AND BUDDY BOY: *laughing* That's awesome!!

Not one to pass up a do-it-yourself joke opportunity, I quickly followed with:

MOM: What did the boy dog say to the girl dog?

GG and BB: What??

MOM: 'Hi, bitch!' *cracks up; slaps knee in appreciation of own awesomeness*

*blank stares and crickets*

MOM: Because, you see, a 'bitch' is actually a female dog! Get it?? HA-HA!

BB: Mom. That's inappropriate.

GG: QUARTER IN THE POT!! *

* refers to "Mom's Swear Jar," which is currently out-performing Mom's 401K

RELATED POST: "Have you met my daughter, Don Rickles?"

How Awesome Would This Be??

2009-04-01T14:56:00.017-05:00

A woman in Naubinway, MI (in the Upper Peninsula) woke up and found this in her front yard):

According to the St. Ignace Times, the baby moose was born at 5:30 am on a quiet street near downtown Naubinway.

Good thing it's a Michigan moose and doesn't live on Sara Palin's block.

Robert Greenwald

2009-04-01T09:11:00.012-05:00

Robert Greenwald is a producer, director and political activist. Greenwald is the founder and president of Brave New Films, a new media company that uses moving images to educate, influence, and empower viewers to take action around issues that matter. Under Greenwald's direction, Brave New Films has produced a series of short political videos, including the Fox Attacks and Real McCain campaigns. One of the more notable Real McCain videos focused on McCain's Mansions; after Brave New Films produced this video, McCain notoriously said he was not sure how many houses he owned and a media firestorm ensued. In total, Brave New Film's short videos have been viewed over 40 million times in the past two years, inspired hundreds of thousands of people to take action and forced pressing issues into the mainstream media.
- www.RobertGreenwald.org

Greenwald's latest documentary, "Rethink Afghanistan," is a skeptical view of America’s war strategies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, WHATEVER.
Greenwald's most important contribution to film - nay, the wooooorld - is THIS.

Because everything's better on roller skates.
.

"Bite My Cookie"

2009-03-31T14:03:00.011-05:00

.Just go here.

Trust.
.

Ah. Mah. Gad.

2009-03-28T11:05:00.007-05:00

I'm going to learn how to do this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gooNTJesruE&feature=related

Tee-hee!

2009-03-25T20:27:00.010-05:00

I'm not one to gloat. Yes, I am.

Hey, asshats. McCain lost. Get over it!
I'm talking to you, Rush Lardball and all your little "Dildo Heads." Go refill your Pez dispensers with Oxycontins and bully the neighborhood kids; it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy. There ya go...deeeep breaths...on your donut bong. All better now?

Seriously, I've never seen a bigger bunch of sore losers. Whiners, actually.
Like a big, crying baby with a hot, steamy diaper.
Or that spoiled kid on the playground who refuses to share, and now all the kids have left his corner to hang out with the nice, smart, new kid who shares his toys AND brought Gummies for everyone.

Ok, so I'm addicted to Facecrack - I mean, Facebook - right?
(*stands up* Hi, I'm Jennifer and I'm a Facebook-a-holic. "HI, JENNIFER!!")

Anyhoo, I just stumbled upon this gem, written by one of my FB Friends, Steve Marmel. It echoes my sentiments exactly:

One Media's Overexposure is Another Man's Government in the Open

So, for weeks and weeks and weeks, the White House has been inundated with a clarion call from the media: "Why have you not fixed the economy yet? You better explain it soon! Oh My God, look at the Dow Jones! It falls, because of you, and your lack of a solution." So, President Barack Obama went on the Tonight Show, and did an interview with 60 Minutes, and will do another news conference tonight. These appearances will help Obama advance an explanation of his bank bailout program, and offer reporters a chance to publicly question the president. One would think that this would be a good thing. But NO! God, no! Doesn't Obama realize that he's risking over-exposure, with all the explaining and answering questions and being a public figure? How dare he?

That's the recent message that's been advancing through the press. After Obama appeared on a rival network's late night show, CBS's Chris Wragge was given to wonderment: "The Obama blitz, the President's appearing everywhere, but is his media tour taking attention away from his message?" Because clearly, the last thing a "message" needs is a series of sessions that allows it to be clearly elucidated!

So, it turns out big corporations aren't the only ones cutting back on and firing middle-management.

I know. He's "over exposed." He's been on Leno, he's holding press conferences... he's talking directly to the people.

And guess what? His numbers are going UP: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/24/obama-approval-rating-goe_n_178453.html

So, of course the media is complaining about his over exposure. They're not allowed to control the message anymore.

It used to go "President" - "Media" - "Regular folks." And that allowed the papers, the 24 hours news chimps, the bloggers... everybody who had a stake in being the google news hit for a message... to get in front of it.

And now, stupid Obama has to use his stupid popularity to get his stupid message directly to the stupid public. Boo hoo.

If that means I have to wait an extra 20 minutes to hear some untalented hump warble out a tune so Simon can say "You Suck" and Paula can shout "I like cookies!" I'm good with that.

A President who isn't afraid to get in front of his message - for good or ill - because he can string together a series of words, form a sentence and make a point without seeming like a cowboy, a bully, or a moron.

It's change.

And me likee.

Dog Warning

2009-03-18T17:52:00.006-05:00

If you are an owner of "dangerous breed" dog and you also have a small child, please take this as a warning. Do not leave your dog unattended with the child under any circumstances. Only a moment was enough for the following to happen:

Thrifty Home Girl

2009-03-17T14:50:00.009-05:00

New feature, folks.
The economy still sucks the big polska kielbasa, right? I mean, it's pretty sad when Whippy's Swear Jar out-performs her 401k. Just sayin.'

If you're smart (and since you're reading this, Whippy KNOWS you're brilliant), you're doing all you can right now to save, stretch, bend and twist that hard-earned penny.
So is Whippy.

Which is why, starting today, I will post any and all clever tips for saving coin. Send your Recession/Depression-busting creativity to: Jenboxrud@Yahoo.com. Pictures are awesome. Pictures get posted.

So, let's get started. Thrift Stores. Love them? Hate them? Whippy loves them. Because you can find things like this:

*

* as played by Kevin Spacey

Mick

2009-03-14T17:01:00.006-05:00

My sister drew this.
She's amazing.

My parents hung it in their breakfast nook.
They're amazing.

THIS. IS. AWESOME!

2009-03-13T15:09:00.007-05:00

..
.Who knew??

And by "borrowed," I mean "stole."

2009-03-13T12:53:00.005-05:00

See that list over there?--->

No, down a little.

Further...further...

The one that says, "GOOD STUFF?"

Right.

Ok, "Francesco Explains It All?"

Yeah. A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

I just borrowed this from him:
http://francescoexplainsitall.blogspot.com/2009/03/ricky-gervais-and-elmo-lose-their-minds.html

.

Have you met my daughter, Jerry Seinfeld?

2009-03-04T08:45:00.013-06:00

Ok, so "Seinfeld" was/is my favorite show. Remember the "Tweety" episode? Where Jerry and Elaine are sitting next to each other at the opera? And Jerry, without saying a word, places Tweety Pez on Elaine's knee? And she laughs so hard she has to leave?

Yeah, yesterday's piano lessons were like that.
Buddy Boy's trying to play Mozart. Girly Girl's beside me on piano teacher's red sofa, which is very close to piano teacher. Girly Girl is a little bored and a lot evil. Girly Girl, without saying a word or looking at me, places this note in my lap (she's only nine and any dirty double-entendre is completely in the eye of the beholder):

I recover, but not before a little pee comes out.
I hurriedly scrawl, "Yew arr krayzay!" and pass note to Girly Girl, who writes furiously and hands back this:

Girly Girl is going to grow up to be amaaaaaaaazing.

You know it's gonna be a good show when THESE GUYS are in the lobby of the concert hall:

2009-03-02T17:01:00.003-06:00

Ok, so Ladysmith Black Mombazo was amaaaaazing. If you haven't seen them live, you should. It's an auditory, visual, spiritual, emotional EXPERIENCE. My kids sat transfixed the entire two hours and agreed afterwards it was "the best live performance" they've ever seen.

I wanted so badly to unobtrusively pull out my little FLIP camera and record LBM singing "Amazing Grace" with my Dad's gospel choir, but there was a strict "No Cameras" policy during the performance. The elderly ushers, though petite, looked FIERCE (even though I know Tae Bo, they prolly woulda kicked my butt). I did, however, manage to capture precious few seconds of these guys, whose drumming filled the lobby with magic and joy:

WWJD? What Would Jesus Drink?

2009-02-27T12:12:00.007-06:00

Whippy recently received "feedback" (angwy EMail) objecting to her infrequent use (all the time) of the name of Our Lord and Saviour ("Jebus").

I sincerely apologize and meant no sacrilege. Hey, J Diddy turns water into wine; I have nothing but reverence.

I also believe that if He didn't want us to be silly on occasion (25/8), he wouldn't have made boxed wine.

Really, Michelle Malkin? Really??

2009-02-25T09:28:00.005-06:00

Not that we needed one, but here's another reason to laugh at M.M. (because laughing is less of a punishable offense than bitch-slapping).

http://michellemalkin.com/2009/02/23/the-perfect-metaphor-for-obamas-suck-up-summit/

Mmmkay, um...Michelle? You saw the NYPost cartoon, right? The one with the monkey? Yeah, I'm thinking you might wanna avoid reinforcing this blatantly racist stereotype, particularly when you're referring to the President of the United States?

Just sayin.'

Oh, and remember that one time (May 28, 2008)? On your keen investigative journalism website (blog)? When you uncovered that evil, radical Muslim extremist (Rachel Ray)? And how she supported the terrorists by sending that coded message (wearing a paisley scarf in a Dunkin Donuts commercial)? Yeah, that was awesome...

Um, Michelle Malkin? Yeah, you're an idiot.
.

2009-02-24T09:49:00.002-06:00

Ladysmith Black Mambazo, people!!

2009-02-24T08:31:00.011-06:00

If you live near Grand Rapids, Michigan and love goosebump-inducing music, consider checking THIS out. And oh, yeah -- my Dad's in the Grand Rapids Gospel Choir that gets to sing along!!

Sticker Story

2009-02-21T10:38:00.006-06:00

And now, for your blatantly-racist cartoon of the day:

2009-02-18T10:44:00.016-06:00

2/20 UPDATE: The NY Post published an "apology" in today's edition. You know when you were a kid and your brother called you "stupid," and your Mom told him to say he was sorry and he said, "I'm sorry you're so STUPID?" Yeah, it's kinda like that.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/02202009/postopinion/editorials/that_cartoon_156032.htm

Thank you, NFVWW reader, for sending me this (extra Whip for you!): Top 10 Most Offensive New York Post Cartoons

2/19/09 UPDATE: Here's a pretty good analysis by the Huffington Post, along with a link to the NY Post's "response:" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/18/new-york-post-chimp-carto_n_167841.html

Freedom of speech, but *whoever penned THIS CARTOON is an unfunny douchebag AND a racist asshat. Send whatever comments you may have to:

NEW YORK POST

1211 AVENUE OF THE AMERICAS

NEW YORK, NY 10036-8790

or Email them by clicking HERE.

*By "whoever," I mean, "Sean Delonas."
.
.

The family that hikes together...gets really sick of Mom.

2009-02-17T08:32:00.014-06:00

Most every weekend, Whippy and the family take a hike. We're lucky to live within walking distance to a glorious, ginormous nature preserve. Nothing like fresh air, exercise and an occasional deer spotting to chase away a bad case of the crabbies (except maybe boxed wine, but that doesn't fit in my fanny pack).

Whippy's favorite new toy is her FLIP camera (ya think?) and I knew the monkehs would be happy I brought it along:

Detecting subtle cues that perhaps the monkehs were sick of FLIPPY Whippy, I turned the camera on the only family member happy to play along:

The next scene, which I call "Courtesy Flush," features a very special cameo by Big Daddy Monkeh. Who was not happy to play along:

Fellas, I'm talkin' to you...

2009-02-13T11:04:00.009-06:00

Manana es el dia de la Valentin.
O, para mi, "el dia quando yo come muchas chocolates."

Senores y chicos, mira esto:

Entonces, mira esto con Erik Estrada (Ai! Ai! Ai!):

Le, deseo buena suerte con tu Valentín.
O, si te estes mi, con la enorme caja de chocolates.

Muchas gracias a esta sitio: http://www.spanishdict.com/translation.

Thank you, God.

2009-02-12T07:11:00.006-06:00

For giving me the eyes and ears to experience
THIS. <---click

2/12/09 UPDATE: Per "Polkadot Monkey's" request, here is video of my cat-human-dog hybrid playing with his favorite toy, a ponytail holder:

Dear Crazy Lady who had eight babies and the fertility doctors who helped you,

2009-02-11T13:03:00.005-06:00

This made Whippy's day!

2009-02-11T10:22:00.000-06:00

The clip of Potter smiling- it's truly priceless! You can see that he clearly wants to smile for you! Love it- and btw- I look @ your blog regularly. It lifts my sprits every time- it's a daily fix of love, peace, hilarity & happiness that we can all use, ecpecially these days. Thanks! --Judy

Twilight, Part Deux: Vampire Dog

2009-02-10T11:38:00.006-06:00

It's late at night, do you know where your Jawa is?

2009-02-10T06:56:00.006-06:00

BACKSTORY: Monday night. Bedtime. I go to tuck in Buddy Boy. His bed is empty. The house is quiet, except for some faint "crunching" sounds. I walk downstairs, turn the corner and see this:

2009-02-07T18:04:00.002-06:00

It's a Poverty Party and y'all are invited!

2009-02-07T06:19:00.008-06:00

2/7/09 UPDATE: "Bouncyball Flinger" added!

My very favorite blog, iambossy.com, Got the Party Started. There's a sassy little thingy (wigget? gadget? gidget? midget?) over there by the blogroll. If you click on the wocket, you will be magically transported through space and time to the Party.

What's the theme? Well, if you haven't already noticed, the economy sucks the big polska kielbasa. Folks are having to use their resourcefulness and creativity to stretch that tired-of-being-stretched dollar (my dollar has started fighting back. Yesterday it tried to cut me. Because...ya see...it's made of PAPER, and -- Never mind; even the jokes are poor).

Ok, so at the Poverty Party, regular people share what they're doing to save/make/stretch their dollars. Or, maybe what they wanted to do but didn't. Or, what they shouldn't have done but did. It's all about sharing and honesty and encouragement. And laughter. Cuz, at iambossy.com, BOSSY brings the FUNNY.

What am I bringing? Whippy's tiny monkehs delight in making their own toys. It's heaven to watch, because,
1. They're thinking and creating.
2. For a precious few moments, they're not flinging dookie at each other.
3. It's dirt cheap. As Martha Monkey says, "It's a good thing."

Please to enjoy "Pencil Shooter:"

and "Bouncyball Flinger:"
.

Coming Soon: Homemade Hand Puppets!

I promised myself I wasn't going to cry!

2009-02-05T06:59:00.007-06:00

*dramatically wipes tear with sleeve of favorite Nick & Nora flannel jammies that have pictures of doggies all over them*

Whippy just got the most amaaaazing thing in her Inbox, y'all!
No, Whippy is not making a durrrty double-entendre.
Yes, Whippy is feeling ok; she's just overwhelmed by perhaps the greatest compliment she ever been paid in (as her kids would say) "the history of history:"

From my soul-monkey, *D.C.:
JPB, you have good hilaritas, and you got it from BOTH of your parents. Enjoy the read...

Seek Ye the Hilaritas! - Boing Boing

Source: www.boingboing.net

*Again, initials used to protect said soul monkeh from both possible AND probable embarrassment of being known as Whippy's "soul monkeh."
.

A gift for those who love the art of Andrew Wyeth.

2009-02-04T16:32:00.014-06:00

Andrew Wyeth passed away January 16 of this year. My Mom and Dad have one of his prints, "Her Room"(above), and I grew up looking at the painting many call "haunting." To me, it was serene and calming. I made up stories about it. It, along with "Master Bedroom" are two of my favorite works of art ever.

I just received the following EMail from my Mom. I'm posting it for anyone reading this who also loves Andrew Wyeth's art and was saddened by his passing.

Hi guys...this is (part of) a letter I just got from Heidi. I knew Wyeth had died, but this letter

made me stop and weep. He has been in our life for so long. The "Her Room"

print that Nana and Grampot gave us is hanging over the sofa now. When Don and

I went to Maine with them when I was pregnant with Jen, we went to the little museum

in Rockland and saw that painting. That was where a lot of his work was done and

was housed. Love, Mom

Hello Nella,
How are you?
...The shocker for me on this trip was to discover that Andrew Wyeth had died! Mom and I went over to his beautiful museum, the Brandywine River Museum, on Friday to see his sister Carolyn's show and I noticed that they were hanging long black pieces of crepe down the front of the museum. I didn't really think it through.

When Mom and I got to the second floor, Mrs. Wyeth was there exclaiming about the view from the huge windows and then she bent over a podium to read out of a book. Then we noticed a huge portrait of Andrew and I finally realized what had happened. I just started weeping. He died January 16th and the news got drowned out for me by the inaugural events, I guess. It surprises me because I listen to NPR all the time. I somehow just missed it. I don't know why I was so overwhelmed, but I was. I love his work.

Mom and I are so lucky to have stopped by on Friday. Not only did we catch a glimpse of Betsy, but we saw "Christina's World," which had just been brought down from the Museum of Modern Art in NYC.

And we found out that Saturday would be a memorial day at the museum in his honor -- free all day -- showing of a movie called "Snow Hill," about all the Wyeths in the Brandywine Valley -- viewing of gorgeous satin and black velvet hoods from the 21 honoroary degrees he had received -- a display of all the awards and medals he had received -- and the dress tails of the Institute France des Beaux Arts, which he wore in 1977 when he received that honor. The tails had the most beautiful embroidery all around the edges of the jacket and on the buttons. Wow! He must have loved that. He loved dressing up.

The most poignant thing we saw when we went back on Saturday was the painting he had just given Betsy this 2008 Christmas. It was a beautiful large traditional white frame Maine building standing starkly alone on a knoll above the sea with a little sail boat disappearing off to stage left. The title was, "Goodbye." Oh, my. What did he sense? Apparently, he had fallen a few weeks before and did not recover.

The museum was packed with many people weeping. It was so touching to be there. "Christina's World" and "Goodbye" were only there for the weekend. Perhaps when we saw Betsy on Friday, she was bringing over "Goodbye," or just coming to see how the museum was being decorated for the memorial day.

We saw works we had never seen before. And Carolyn's show was very interesting -- more experimental, more blocky, more contemporary.

(Andrew Wyeth July 12, 1917 - January 16, 2009)

Thank you, God.

2009-02-03T09:23:00.013-06:00

2/04/09 UPDATE
Whippy just realized that, in yesterday's rush to finish this post before the tiny monkeys woke up, her editing was less-than adequate (and by "less-than adequate, she means, "not at all").
Whippy forgot to mention that her "hobby-slash-uncontrollable addiction" is that wondrous Social Networking Utility, Facebook. And not, as the unedited post implied, crack.

Thank you, God.
For giving me the eyes to see and ears to hear this magical, musical gift.

BACKSTORY: This morning I decided to spend a few minutes (and by "minutes," I mean, "hours") on my new Facebook hobby (and by "hobby," I mean uncontrollable addiction from which I have no chance of recovering. Not even if my husband says he's taking me to my favorite restaurant, Taco Bell, and we really end up at a Mariott conference room full of my family and friends and that excellent "Intervention" counselorman who was on the show last night. Not even if my Higher Power, Jon Bon Jovi, came to me in a dream and promised me eternal life, love and backstage passes. Ok, maybe then...but he'd have to be nekkid).

Anyhoo, one of my FBBFFs posted this status: *Harry McMonkeyPants is happy to see that, yet again the Saint Cloud Times is running a goddamn story about Bobby Vee playing in Iowa. Top notch reporting.

Because Whippy is thirsty for knowledge (and by "knowledge," I mean, "boxed wine"), I immediately consulted the Interweb GoogleNets and mine eyes did behold the glory of THIS:

(click on the beatiful, beautiful Bobby Vee)

*name changed to protect Whippy's FBBFFs who don't know Whippy and probably wouldn't want her to be their FBBFF, even if they did.
.

Who can watch Football when there's THIS??

2009-02-01T19:25:00.018-06:00

(Feb. 2, 2009 UPDATE)
ANSWER: a bag of mud, a plunger, my parents' retarded cat.
QUESTION: What are three things with a better understanding of football than me?

Ok, maybe adults who DON'T have the sense of humor of an 8 year old. To those mature and serious sports fans who roll their eyes in my general direction, I say, "Nanny nanny poo-poo, stick your head in doo-doo."

The game's on and I just saw that Cardinals guy run like, 99 yards and make a touchdown! Even when that man with the long, beautiful hair tried to pull him down! He's a defensive linebacker, right?? DAYUM!! And that's like, the whole length of the field, right?? Longest touchdown run in Superbowl history!! AWESOME!! Go Cardinals!! Woo-hoo!!

So, now it's halftime and my son and I are still watching these things we found on the You Tubes today (when he was supposed to be doing Social Studies homeword and I was supposed to be upholstering the dining room chairs):

Billy May's Blue Balls Dub

Source: www.youtube.com

and this:

Billy Mays kaboom! dub

Source: www.youtube.com

I know, I know.
Thank Jebus for my bedazzled Depends; otherwise, I would have needed the Sham Wow. Heyyyyy.....

Gotta go. I just remembered Sham Wow guy has a new infomagicalmercial for his latest must-have-or-I-will-die product, the "Slap Chop."

Slap Chop. With a name like that, it's GOT to be guuuud....

GO, STILLERZ!!!!

2009-02-01T10:58:00.003-06:00

2009-01-31T07:27:00.009-06:00

Ok, I don't enjoy knowing that the first thing folks see when they click on NFVWW is a giant Dick. Armey (yesterday's post).

So, let me introduce you to the latest "FUN AND FUNNER" addition: ZOOBORNS!

Its nothin' but newly-birthed bebbeh animals. All Cute, All The Time!

Muchas Gracias, Senor D.H! (Initials used to protect my delightful, albeit Republican friend from the inevitable social stigma, should his fellow Repubicans (type-o and it stays) find out he sent something nice to a Flaming Social Liberal/Kind of Independent/"Progressive" is actually the most accurate term such as myself.

Please to enjoy the tiniest of monkehs:

HAPPY WEEKEND, EVERYOBODY!

2009-01-30T09:24:00.008-06:00

What a Dick.

(click on the Dick)
.

And now, a musical interlude...

2009-01-29T09:19:00.008-06:00

THE BACKSTORY: Girly Girl's music teacher is teaching the kids to play the recorder. Required songs include "Three Blind Mice," "Amazing Grace" and "Ode to Joy."

Girly Girl has an amazing ear and can teach herself to play anything on the piano. And recorder. She recently discovered her ability to play said recorder with her nose. You heard me.

Grab a beverage, sit back and enjoy the musical stylings of Girly Girl and her recorder. And her nose.

I particularly enjoy the setting...the flickering fire, the decorative (and fake) flowers. Kinda gives the video that lounge-y, Jazz Flute a-la "Anchorman" vibe...

OUT-TAKES:
THE BACKSTORY: We originally thought Hairy Potter Dogger would add to the ambiance. Buddy Boy's job was to keep Potter still by holding a piece of tortilla in front of his face. It kinda worked but mostly didn't.

A Moment of Peace

2009-01-29T07:52:00.009-06:00

I love this Chinese Proverb:

Grant yourself a moment of peace

and you will understand how foolishly

you have scurried about.

Learn to be silent

and you will notice

that you have talked too much.

Be kind

and you will realize

your judgement of others

was too severe.
.

COYOTE(S)!

2009-01-28T06:59:00.018-06:00

That's plural. Because yesterday morning, there were three in my back hard. <--type-o and it stays.

Before I saw them, I opened the door for Potter, our Golden Retriever, who was going all kinds of cattywompus crazy and making eerie, guttural growling sounds. I thought he saw the usual squirrel or bunny. As soon as I slid open the door, I saw coyote #1, Skinny Bones Jones.

Potter took off down our deck stairs like he had a demon on his ass and would only come back when I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Cheese!! Cheese!! POTTER, CHEEEEESE!!!!" At that moment, Girly Girl yelled, "MOM!! There are THREE!!"

The Plural Coyotes were literally skipping -- no, it was more like hip-hopping, or the dance moves from the opening scene of "West Side Story" -- around like, "Yeah, whatever. Ooooh, it's a big, scary GOLDEN RETRIEVER....oooooh, I'm frightened...Hahahahaha...*high-five each other*"

Winter in Chicago so far has sucked ass. I imagine all the little mousies, squirrels and bunnies are hibernating, dead or kickin' it at their condo in Boca; the pickins are slim. Skinny Bones Jones had crazy in the eyes. And a lame back leg. These boys was hungry, hurtin' and hardass.

"Warrierrrrsss....come out and play-ay-ayyyy...." Seriously. Carl brandished a baseball bat and Magnus looked like he knew how to use those nunchucks.

I held Potter's collar to keep him from pawing and clawing at the door. In the five years he's been our baby, never have I heard him make sounds like he made yesterday. Deep, dark, fierce rumblings from some deeply-rooted protective canine instinct?

For the rest of the morning, long after SBJ, Carl and Magnus had moved on, Potter sat on our deck, staring into the distance. Looking as much like Mufasa from "Lion King" as he could. He was all, "Yeah! And don't come back!"

Golden Retrievers. Who knew??

Holy Dang, this is funny.

2009-01-27T11:47:00.005-06:00

The Google searches have been hot and heavy, lately!

3	12.50%	my dogs crap ninja hauler

2	8.33%	jennifer pearson boxrud
1	4.17%	er picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow
1	4.17%	+"pole dancer" +"Mrs jones" +"grow up"
1	4.17%	ninja hauler my dogs crap
1	4.17%	office depot pole dancer snow shovel
1	4.17%	"medium large"
1	4.17%	bossy delilah hairy
1	4.17%	ron christie republicans are very concerned about the size of his stimulous
1	4.17%	power of appreciation nithya shanti
1	4.17%	pole dancer home depot joke
1	4.17%	"Love me most, when I deserve it least!" quote
1	4.17%	thunderdome bomberjacke
1	4.17%	clip of bratz show nose job
1	4.17%	jenny boxrud blog
1	4.17%	Nithya Shanti
1	4.17%	Bon Jovi Greatist
1	4.17%	verizon fios ariel drop
1	4.17%	joke stripper pole home depot

I think "bossy delilah hairy" is my favorite. Don't know what you were lookin' for, honey, but I hope you found it here. Or um...maybe not?

Also, it's the second time someone's looked for info on "my dogs crap ninja hauler." LOVE IT.

WOAH!! Somebody Googled my huzzband's name. Better go delete that. He prefers to remain anonymous. Unlike his very bossy, show-offy, obnoxiousy wifey.

To whoever looked up "Bon Jovi Greatist," you get much better hits if you Google, "Jon Bon Jovi butt + images." Trust.

.

More Nithya Shanti Light

2009-01-25T07:32:00.009-06:00

The longest journey in the world is the sacred pilgrimage from the head to the heart.

I have been meeting several people the last few days. When people meet me and discover that I have lived as a monk in the past the conversation often takes a philosophical twist. One of my favorite ways to shift the discussion from the head to the heart is to invite people to say five things they love and appreciate about their partner.

It amazing how the energy in the room instantly changes. I ask people to look their partner directly in the eyes and tell them what they like and love in them. The receiver is asked to acknowledge each statement by saying "And so it is!" to receive the love!

Strangely enough I find that the longer couples have been together the harder it usually is for them to say 5 things they appreciate in their partner! Its a wonderful way to connect people with love.

Here is a powerful story on how appreciation can transform:

The lifestyle of the Babemba tribe in South Africa was featured a number of years ago in a TV documentary on Apartheid. Within that community, antisocial or criminal behavior is rare.

However, when it does occur, the Babemba have an interesting and beautifully creative way of dealing with it...

If a member of the tribe acts irresponsibly, he or she is placed at the center of the village. Work stops, and every man, woman and child in the village gathers around the accused in a large circle.

Then, one at a time, each individual, including the children, call out all the good things the person in the center of the ring has done previously. Each person in the village recalls the specific good things the person in the centre of the circle has done in his/her lifetime. All the positive attributes and the kind acts are recited carefully and at length. No one is permitted to exaggerate or be facetious.

The ceremony often lasts for many days and doesn’t stop until everyone has said every possible positive comment he or she can muster about the transgressor. Not one word of criticism concerning the accused’s irresponsible, antisocial deed is permitted.

At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe. Proof of the success of this creative response to wrongdoing seems evident in the fact that these ceremonies are quite rare.

This is an actual application of the spiritual teaching:
"Love me most, when I deserve it least!"

Let us all learn from the outstanding example of this tribe. Imagine what the world would be like if we used the power of appreciation in our families, schools, workplaces and communities!

Let us start today...appreciating in great detail the goodness in others!-Nithya Shanti

The most awesome thing I've heard all day:

2009-01-23T14:57:00.011-06:00

On MSNBC, exactly two minutes ago, I heard Republican Strategist Ron Christie say this about President Obama:

"Republicans are very concerned about the size of his package."
.

2009-01-23T07:06:00.005-06:00

They say that there are two kinds of people in the world.

The first kind of person, others feel really happy when they enter the room. The second kind, others feel really happy when they leave the room!

Its almost like all of us have invisible spikes coming out from us. For some people these spikes are really long and sharp. They have strong likes and dislikes and freely share judgement, criticism and negativity with everyone they meet. They moment they enter the room, people go "ouch!"

Others have shorter spikes. Most people are like this. They are okay to get along with so long as you don't rub them up the wrong way. Else their spikes are immediately raised like that of a porcupine!

Some other people have very small and soft spikes. They are great fun to be with. Everyone loves them. They are the light of the family, of the office and community. They are genuinely interested in others welfare and freely share smiles, love, appreciation and do thoughtful acts for others. However if you get really really close to them and push the wrong buttons and you may still get hurt...just like the tiny splinters in straw can still hurt the hands.

Then there are the rare people in the world with NO spikes. No matter how you treat them and what you do there is NO resistance. These are the love masters in our world, great spiritual examples to us all. It does not mean such a person is a vegetable who anyone can cut. They respond appropriately to each situation...sometimes constructive criticism and strong words may issue from them. Yet it comes with the power of love and has a transfrmational energy. Their spikes have been replaced by rays of light, like a sun!

People do not love us for our goodness. They love us for our patience and forebearance. Where there is judgement there is no love. Where there is love there is no judgement.

Let us pull back our invisible spikes for today, and replace them with rays of love and light, offering our finest smile to everyone we encounter. Then others will love to have you in the room and always keep you in their hearts.

Be happy!
-Nithya Shanti

Hairy Potter

2009-01-22T16:36:00.035-06:00

.

He's my baby. And my body pillow. I do nappy times with him.

I feed him marshmellows. With my teef.

I call him my "Baby Dogger Fluffer Nugget". In that annoying, little girl babytalk voice.

However, when he eats the entire contents of this:

Which was filled with lots of these:

"Bebbeh Dogger Fluffer Nugget" becomes, "Big Dummy." Yes, yes he did. Hilarity did not ensue.

I knew there was a problem when, after two days of barely eating and drinking, he wouldn't get off the floor and was panting like my husband looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog.

It was 10:30. At night. Said husband was out of town. In Australia. Bebbeh monkehs were already in bed. Sleeping. Big Dummy was hurting. And begging me to do something.

Wake up kids. Pile Big Dummy and kids in Jeep. Drive to ER Animal Clinic which, thankfully, was not busy. Funny (and by "funny," I mean "a major pain-in-the-ass that took so long, my children were lying on the floor of the examining room crying") how it took them two hours to tell us Big Dummy was dehydrated, possibly obstructed, needed to spend the night there and might need surgery.

At 5am the next morning, I call the ER Clinic to check on Big Dummy. Because, as his Doggeh Mommeh, I was vewwy, vewwy wowwied. After talking to the Vet Tech on Duty, I decided that whatever they were paying him was not enough:

ME: Yes, hi. I'm calling to check on my dog, Potter? He um...ate tampons?

VTOD: Right. *long pause*

ME: Is he ok? How's he doing? Can I talk to him -- I mean, how is he?

VTOD: Let's see...Ok, at 3:15 this morning, he defecated and passed two tampons. We're waiting to see if he passes the rest...

ME: Oh, good. *blink-blink* Oh, God. I'm so sorry...Uhhh, it was a heavy flow day? Ha-Ha. Gee, sucks to be you! Ha-Ha. ... ... Hello?

VTOD: Right. So, if he continues to do well, you can probably pick him up tomorrow afternoon.

ME: Oh, great! Thank you SO much! Have a great day! Ha-Ha.

VTOD: *click*

Three days and almost A THOUSAND DOLLARS later, Bebbeh Doggeh Fluffer Nugget is resting comfortably and enjoying lots of Mommeh kisses. On teh doggeh lips.

We have since replaced all bathroom trashcans with this model:

I love EBay.

2009-01-22T08:53:00.006-06:00

Because you can buy things like this:

It's an oil painting. Not a giclee print - a real painting. I examined it carefully. I named her Elizabeth. My husband won't let me hang her on the wall, so right now Elizabeth is in my closet. Waiting very patiently, sitting very prettily and smiling. With asparagus in her bows.
.

Ok, now you're just being silly...

2009-01-21T13:47:00.006-06:00

Ok, I can understand "verizon fios ariel drop," because Kevin Tor is funny as hell. But the other two? Really??

Num	Perc.	Search Term
1	33.33%	+"pole dancer" +"Mrs jones" +"grow up"
1	33.33%	clip of bratz show nose job
1	33.33%	verizon fios ariel drop

WOW.
.

January 20, 2009

2009-01-20T07:07:00.007-06:00

.
Today marks the beginning of change.

And the end of an error.

WHY IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO CHECK YOUR KID'S HOMEWORK:

2009-01-19T16:43:00.006-06:00

Here's a note the teacher received from “mommy” the following day:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic pole dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

GOOGLE searches that landed people here:

2009-01-18T12:49:00.005-06:00

3	23.08%	jennifer boxrud
1	7.69%	clique girlz
1	7.69%	monchichi blagojevich
1	7.69%	"i feel warm and i'm levitating"
1	7.69%	brittney spears pooping on her toilet
1	7.69%	salute your shorts season 1
1	7.69%	take on me pictures 80's

8.33%

big venting toy machines

Wow. Really?? WOW.
And um...GROSS.
.

Woahhhhhhh...

2009-01-17T13:12:00.011-06:00

My son (11) did this:
(oil on canvas)

Andrew Wyeth

2009-01-16T10:52:00.015-06:00

(July 12, 1917 - Janurary 16, 2009)

You will be missed.

WHEN IT'S TOO COLD TO PLAY OUTSIDE

2009-01-16T09:26:00.007-06:00

1:00am UPDATE: part C added
10:20am UPDATE: part deux added

MY KIDS DO THIS:

The Greatest Name in the History of History

2009-01-16T07:20:00.008-06:00

Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III

(Click and prepare to be amaaaazed.)

The man is a Jedi. Luke Skywalker. Or Han. Possibly Obiwan.
The flight crew? Chewbacca. I mean that in a good way.

But people, seriously. We can put a man on the moon and invent the Sham Wow. Can somebody please come up with a plane that won't get taken out by a bird??

May The Force be with you. Apply directly to forehead.

Nonfat Venting With Whip

Forget Comfort Zone; play in your Uncomfortable Zone.

Screencleaner

Shut up and play golf.

When God Closes a Door...He's being a real jerk.

I'm Thinking Clogs...

When Chakka Comes Marching Home

Li'l Ro Ro and Joliet

Holy Crap.

Coincidence? I think not. Actually, I have no idea...

I want me a toddler.

Hey, Fellas!

RIP, Koko Taylor

Electricity Bill

Girly Girl's Field Trip

Chocolate Cheese Monkeys II: One Nation, Under Yeti.

And on the first day, God created chocolate cheese monkeys.

Please to accept my apologies...

Can't. stop. laughing...*UPDATED POST*

When Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake," she probably didn't mean this.

Suck it, Hallmark.

Still Life With Roses and DoggyBoyfriend

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU

Guess which one's my favorite?

It's Box Office GOLD, I Tell Ya!

World Peace and Big Boobies

Flashdance Monkey

Words I've learned from my kids...

Young Jedi LEGO Master

*whew*

Once again, I couldn't have said it better myself:

Ok, let's all settle down...

R.I.P. Bea Arthur.

Freaky Food

Poetry week continues...

Lavender Bunnies: The Trilogy

Poetry week continues for Buddy Boy.

Every little thing she does is magic.

Have you met my son, e.e. cummings?

Lavender Bunnies, part deux!!

Lavender Bunnies!

Have a big, fat, Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

"Be in tune with your star f*ckin' player."

Welcome to my new FLOG.

Head. exploding.

I want this.

Bring on the manure!!

Have you met my daughter, Henny Youngman?

How Awesome Would This Be??

Robert Greenwald

"Bite My Cookie"

Ah. Mah. Gad.

Tee-hee!

Dog Warning

Thrifty Home Girl

Mick

THIS. IS. AWESOME!

And by "borrowed," I mean "stole."

Have you met my daughter, Jerry Seinfeld?

You know it's gonna be a good show when THESE GUYS are in the lobby of the concert hall:

WWJD? What Would Jesus Drink?

Really, Michelle Malkin? Really??

Ladysmith Black Mambazo, people!!

Sticker Story

And now, for your blatantly-racist cartoon of the day:

The family that hikes together...gets really sick of Mom.

Fellas, I'm talkin' to you...

Thank you, God.

Dear Crazy Lady who had eight babies and the fertility doctors who helped you,

This made Whippy's day!

Twilight, Part Deux: Vampire Dog

It's late at night, do you know where your Jawa is?

It's a Poverty Party and y'all are invited!

I promised myself I wasn't going to cry!

A gift for those who love the art of Andrew Wyeth.

Thank you, God.

Who can watch Football when there's THIS??

GO, STILLERZ!!!!

Can't. stop. laughing...UPDATED POST

whew